From Needing to Letting Go
Becoming an adult is just as mysterious as becoming an adolescent. Can we just think about that for a moment? There is no one way to describe what it feels like to be an adult to you personally or what being an adult even means for that matter, right? The only thing that I can think that could remotely describe that you are indeed on the journey to becoming an adult or that you are in the experience of adulthood is by how in need you are for people to be different, to treat you differently, to accept you, to agree with you, and honestly to like you. How much do you need these? It's a great place to start.
I had a conversation recently with a beloved friend of mine and spiritual healer. One of the nuggets that stuck out was, "focus on the facts." Do people love you and do they want you to be healthy and happy? And both answers were yes. It's literally like a wave of freedom washed over my being and a big light bulb came on! I have been holding myself back with my patterns of thinking....not something that anyone wants to proudly admit, but damn is it powerful? I have been trying to make sure that those I love and care about are all okay and thinking the same as I am about what I know to be true about me if that makes sense at all. This is where the letting go comes in... Having this in my awareness is so key and timely. I have been fearful about hurting others and being misunderstood by others because what I have learned along the way is that when you speak what feels true to you, then people could get hurt and could also misunderstand you. And that is painful for me. And yes, while the fact of that pain is true, it is still ok to allow the misunderstanding to happen. Right? Do you always understand everyone that you care about? Heck no. Do I always understand everyone that I care about? Heck no. Knowing that is enough to shift and to end the fighting and conflict. I was having a hard time understanding that I was misunderstood by others....my mind like literally blew up again as I typed this. And then as if it was magic and I have literally been manifesting acceptance recently, I allowed and am going to continue to allow others to feel hurt when I speak and to even misunderstand what I am saying entirely. WOW! If I am coming from a place of promoting healthy change, then I am coming from a place of service and not a place of needing to be understood by anyone. I can honestly say that I never thought, A) that I would ever have an issue or a stuckness around this and B) that I would have the capacity to be aware of it at all. Y'all this is a huge shift and it is instant healing and I mean instant.
Now let me say, that I could have beaten myself up about not seeing this mindset or thought pattern or belief system right in front of me for the past, let's say 25 years, but I literally can't do it. I can only forgive myself for not being able to see it and in that same breath forgive those who have misunderstood me. It was covered up by unresolved conflicts, unresolved disagreements, my thoughts, my beliefs, my perception, confusion, anger, frustration, anxiety, depression, bodily symptoms, feelings of dis-ease in the body, lack of trust, neediness, and self doubt. How in the world could I see it? So through all of these portals I went. It took years and I will continue to uncover more as I move forth no doubt, but it led me to what I know. It led me to an intentional and purposeful life. It led me to looking at myself and my states of consciousness with curiosity and not fear. To look at them as the cracks that still need sealing or the darkest corner in the closet that needs the light so that the cobweb can be cleared away. It led me to knowing that I am not going to be perfect and that I will still fall into old patterns of thinking or being and that is okay. It led me to know that I am safe with me and that I am here to fulfill my soul's purpose and to lead a wholehearted life.
It allows me to see my never ending appetite to answer the inquiry..."there must be a better way." It allows me to provide what I seek and learn to those who are open for change and are open for that better way too. It allows me to connect with those like minded souls and to co-create a positive impact on generations and generations. It allows me to be trusted by others and to look through the lens of compassion rather than confusion or fear. It allows me to walk with freedom from needing, letting go of those needs, and knowing that I have and will have all that I could ever imagine. It is what I'd like to call, intentional adulting and it is chaotic, beautiful, and powerful. It is allowing me to connect and to create a new sense of being and to consciously parent and pass this valuable information down to my own children. It is the journey I choose and it is the lifestyle that I thrive within. It is how I can serve you. It is what it looks like to move forth.
May you know that no matter where you are in the process of adulthood, that it is okay to look for that better way, and it is okay if not everyone understands your relentless search for it.