My Unknowing

I at first had the title the breakdown is the door to the breakthrough. And then I thought, is a title necessary? And then I thought that's not really the proper way to title this post, so then the word unknowing popped up.

Have you ever had the feeling that your life is about to change? Like really change? That is where I am at in this year of 40. There is this great quote that I came across on the Facebook feed that states, "The first 40 years of childhood are the hardest." Y'all I LOLed on that one. I totally get that. Anybody with me? So much has happened this past year and it has all been perfectly divinely timed so that I can step into this new way of being. The adult. The Angelas of the past are no longer driving. They are being integrated and set free so that my beliefs, thoughts, and stories from childhood can no longer steer the ship. It's incredible yet it is paralyzing simultaneously because it's as if I don't have the answers yet have all the answers at the same time. It's living from a place of empty space or unknowing-nothing for the brain to draw from and decide, just not knowing and allowing not knowing. This is a place I have never been and never started from. It's new, it's uncertain, and it is temporary for sure as I get to know the new me.

It all started a year ago when I went through the most intense anxiety ever. It was triggered by Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade's suicides. It literally was as if something took over me and my mind. You see we are all connected and I now know that others were also affected, but during that intense 8 week period, I was scared. I of course shared it with close friends, my husband, some family members, coaches, and my therapist. I believe that everything experienced in a physical form has a deep spiritual meaning. I believe that this time in my life was the way that my anxiety that had lived in my body since childhood was ready to be loved, felt and released. And that's what I did with the help of professionals and a dear family member and spiritual teacher. I trusted the painfully brutal process. I took epsom salt baths. I loved the part of me that was terrified for the very first time rather then shoving her away. I didn't believe my love of her first but had to keep practicing loving that little scared girl that was so in charge of my life and just wanted to be heard and seen and allowed to be free. I meditated like it was my job and still do twice a day up to this day. I told trusted people that I know where I am at and I know that this will pass, but I am anxious right now and I am allowing the process. I prayed y'all too. I prayed to my angels. I asked them about everything and leaned on them like I had never done. I was so uncomfortable yet I knew that this storm would pass and that it was up to me to wake up as the adult so that I could take care of the children within me like I never have. If it weren't for the ridiculous amounts of dragonflies around me wherever I would go, I don't know where I'd be right now. They were literally everywhere and I would laugh and thank my angels for reminding me that I am just transforming and that they are with me.

Right smack in the middle of this intense anxiety, I found out at a yearly exam at my OBGYN that I have lumps in both breasts and also in my right ovary. Y'all I was so fragile. I was trying to hold it together and I was struggling. I sat there after the breast exam and thought, well here is the fear that has been one since I was 13. The fear of cancer. Wow. And then I was like, wow Universe, this is a whole effing lot to deal with. Dang! So I went ahead and talked about my anxiety with my OBGYN and she recommended CBD oil. So I was like great, cause I am no way in hell taking medication. I was prescribed zoloft and wellbutrin 9 months after the birth of my first son during a family crisis that we couldn't talk to each other about in a healthy way and the only person that I was spending time with was a 9 month old and we lived quite a ways out of the city and y'all know that in that first year, you need all supplies on the ready, so we ended up staying home A LOT. Not healthy for me and neither are medications and that was easily determined by the professionals I was working with at that time. Ok back to CBD oil. So I was relieved that she didn't go straight to her prescription pad. I thought, ok this doctor is with the times and that's a good thing. So I got in touch with a distributor and ordered some. Y'all it didn't touch my anxiety. I laughed actually and knew in my gut that this just had to be felt and healed.

I scheduled a healing session with a friend and Cranio-Sacral Therapist and told her about my current anxiety and that CBD oil wasn't touching it and she said that it absolutely should be helping and I was like I got nothing even after a few weeks. So we did a healing session and it was amazing. She was visiting town and staying in a high rise and y'all I took the stairs when the person I was riding the elevator with got out halfway. That's how fragile I was. I told her that when I first saw her and we laughed. I bring that up because what surfaced to be healed was a time that I got stuck in an elevator during a thunderstorm at a condo we were visiting family at when I was 5. My friend and I ran and pressed the button ahead of my Mom and Aunt and got on. The door closed and and then the power shut off. We were trapped in a box of pitch black darkness for 45 minutes. I could hear my Mom and we were so scared. I remember comforting my friend and telling her that we will be ok. I was determined to get out of there. Finally the elevator repairman showed up and he gave me instructions on what to do and what buttons to push and honestly I don't remember much after that. I remember taking a bath after and then I don't remember how or if I processed what really happened. This trauma wanted to be healed that day and I had conversations with people that needed to happen a long time ago. It was a beautiful release and it was where the anxiety began to clear. She recommended grounding foods for dinner and she also told me about the Naturopath that her mom was seeing. I went to the store and grabbed sweet potatoes and chicken and called the Naturopath that day. My intuition had been telling me to contact a Naturopath since January and it was now July. Message received Universe. Thank you!

It would be a few weeks before I could get in to see the Naturopath and I also had to get a mammogram in between that time which I had no idea that you find out right there whether or not you have cancer. I totally would have been more prepared and taken at least my husband with me. So I had the mammogram and then they wanted me to have an ultrasound and I was like Holy shit it's cancer and when I got into the ultrasound room, they said that my mammogram came back "normal" but they wanted to do an ultrasound because the doctor felt lumps so there I was in another room having my boobs studied and laying there like wow! There was at least I think a beach scene on the ceiling for us to enjoy while you have an ultrasound wand rolled all over your boobs. Thanks for that at least, right? Well they couldn't find anything and I was soooo relieved! I went and made an appointment with my OBGYN like they asked for a few weeks out and grabbed some prosecco and continued on with my day. That was a Friday and then my phone rang the following Monday just before 9am. It was my OBGYN's nurse. She told me that they wanted a second opinion from a surgeon. I was like WHOA! Hold up a second. I told her, "I was actually celebrating my results and you are now calling me to go to a surgeon and now I am in a full on panic." I asked her, "do you know how confusing this is for women?" I told her that I had made an appointment and that it was in a few weeks and that I would talk to my doctor more about it in that appointment. She admitted that she had not looked at my chart and I then asked, "then why are you really calling me without reading important information?" I was just so damn confused and honestly scared to death.

In order to prepare for my first appointment with the Naturopath, I had to fill out forms and record a food journal. I was ALL IN! So I was honest about my daily beer drinking habit, my Mexican Takeout Wednesdays, and everything that I was eating. So, on July 20th, my appointment came. I didn't know what I was getting into, but I knew it was right. Ain't no way I am going to a surgeon. I knew in my gut that whatever was going on did not require a surgeon. I just knew. We had a great first appointment and we talked about my drinking. She said, "well if you're wondering why you feel anxious, it's the beers. I don't want to sugar coat it, you're going to need to quit." I looked at her and said with one thousand percent certainty, "Ok, I'm done!" She looked at me kinda stunned and said, "what?" And I said, "anything to get me out of this hell." So on a Friday in July I quit drinking and as I sit here at the end of May the following year, it has been the BEST opportunity for me to wake up that I have ever received. I didn't know how I'd be without my daily habit since 2004 (yep 14 years), but I was ready to give it up. So over the next few weeks we plotted out my food choices, all organic, grass fed beef, lots of fish, pasture raised chicken, one meat meal a day, lots of veggies, and supplementation from Standard Process.

I went to my OBGYN appointment a few months later nervous yet empowered. I told her that I didn't appreciate not getting a call from her personally about the recommendation of a surgeon ( I mean she birthed my second son!). And I told her that I speak for many other women who feel completely unsupported in a mammogram appointment. I get it, this is their job, BUT there should still be compassion for ALL women who go in and out of their exam rooms. Breast cancer is at epidemic rates right now. We deserve better treatment that includes nutrition. She was very sorry and agreed with what I said. I then felt comfortable to tell her that I was not going to go to a surgeon at this time. I told her that I quit drinking and that I radically changed my diet and that I was taking incredible whole organic food supplements. She was really amazing about it. So we made an appointment for two months from then because she absolutely didn't want to miss a cancer diagnosis. So I walked out feeling heard and appreciated and confident in my decision to set my body up to heal.

My 40th birthday was just around the corner and I had so many thoughts and feelings swirling within me. We already have that without a diagnosis of lumps in both breasts, right? This was just where I was supposed to be at that time. My husband planned a surprise party and it was lovely. My family and friends were there and it was decorated in a coastal theme with pictures of me at the beach at different ages. One picture greeted us at the door and it was me holding my arms outstretched in the waves of Perdido Key at about the age of 10? I cried immediately when I saw her sweet face and I looked at my little self and said, we made it. We are here and I am not drinking. That little girl NEVER wanted to be addicted to anything and to look at her as the 40 year old woman without that habit was the best gift I could receive. The party was lovely and fun and in a few days I would be taking a DUTCH test to find out everything that was going on with my hormones.

It was about a month ( a long month) before I found out the results, but the main thing we (me and my Naturopath) discovered was that my liver was not metabolizing estrogen and so we are absolutely on the right path. Awesome! I highly recommend that if you are reading this and you are a women in your mid 30's to 50, get a test. They provide way more information that any doctor's tests can provide. Go to www.precisionanalytical.com to find out more on that! I went to my October appointment with my OBGYN and told her the findings and she shared with me that she had the same lumps bilaterally that I had in both breasts which is why she wanted me to get it checked out and I appreciated her heartfelt concern and empathy with that. She also did a breast exam and nothing had changed. Good news to my ears. She told me she respects me and my decision and asked me to come back in April.

Fast forward 6 months later and the day of my appointment was here. Y'all I was a mess. I was wondering if what I was doing worked. Y'all I freaking nailed it! No cheat meals the WHOLE time! I was committed to healing my body with tenacity and determination. So my Naturopath came with me to my appointment and I had a breast exam. And y'all the lumps were GONE!!! Yep! I can't make it up! GONE! WOOOOOHOOOOO!!!! This is the power of intuition, self trust, and determination and food choices. Food choices are directly linked to cancer and other diseases my friends. If you don't take anything else from this today, please take that.

Right after finding out the miraculous news, I attended a spiritual retreat in Portland, Oregon with my dear cousin. We went to see Matt Kahn. He is truly incredible y'all and his teachings are so simple and also quick moving so that you can evolve for your highest good. He has been an integral part of my spiritual growth and I am so grateful that my cousin told me about him. You should totally check him out: www.mattkahn.org . It was absolutely beautiful in Oregon. They are doing the whole organic foods thing right in restaurants y'all and the trees and the tulips were magical. I haven't felt that grounded and peaceful in a while. It was a lovely break from the mundane with spurts of chaos with 2 little boys ages 5 and 3. I met such beautiful people and even met Matt himself. He even said that he loves me. Awww. It was amazing. During the retreat, we were also star seed activated. Y'all I had no clue what in the world that meant and I just went with it and we all felt amazing that evening after. The retreat ended the next day and we made our way home. That was April 11, 12, and 13th.

Starting on May 1, I wasn't feeling well. I had some body aches but nothing crazy, just off. The next day, I had four podcast recordings scheduled. I didn't want to cancel but would if I had to. We went ahead with it and my aches were getting worse. I got home mid day and the fever started. My husband and son had just been sick so I figured it was just my turn. Now as you might recall from above, I chose nutrition and supplementation to heal lumps in my boobs, well I did the same thing here. I respect your opinion and I ask for the same respect. So I had a fever for 5 days, body aches, headaches, crying off and on, depression, sweating, diarrhea, fatigue, and coughing. Sounds life the flu right? Right. Well on the fourth day I reached out to my beloved cousin and told him that he might need to text Matt and ask him what he did to us at that star seed activation. He called me right away and asked if I had heard of the kundhalini flu. And I said no, do tell. Basically it is a spiritual upheaval and release that shows up in physical form. I have never been that sick y'all. It was quite incredible actually. I might have lost you here, but that's totally ok. I know what I experienced. I believe that all illnesses have a spiritual aspect and that isn't going to change especially after the year that I have had. What a year indeed! I also had a friend who led me in a running energy meditation say to me, "Angela, I think that this is spiritual." And I absolutely agreed. On the fifth day of fever, I knew that it was going to break. I asked my husband to sleep on the couch and I had an extra set of clothes ready. Well, I not only sweat it our once, I sweat it out 5 times that night. I was like wow....I have burned away a ton of old energy from generations and generations. I was laughing a bit. Let me just say that I was never worried during this illness. That might seem bizarre because I am normally a worried walrus. Not with this, I knew that I just needed to rest and ride it out. The next night and for the next 5 nights I sweat again. I was beginning to be like ok angels, God, Universe, "Am I done now?" Then depression set in. And I just allowed it to happen. Of course it's okay to feel depressed. My body had been through a cleanse of all cleanses. I lost 8 pounds and I just wasn't hungry and was in a fog of blahhhh and honestly not knowing myself anymore-I know that sounds extreme, but it is a normal thing in the unknowing process, google it ;)

While I was in the depths of the sickness, a woman that I met who is a Pranic Healer, messaged me and told me that it was time for us to work together. Oh and when you have this kundhalini flu, random people show up in your life and I was like, "Absolutely!" When can we start? I also had a woman that drove the Uber when my cousin and I got back in Pensacola from Portland reach out and bring me some tea while I was sick. So amazing when those beautiful things happen, right? So this beautiful angelic healer came to my house and we began our healing journey. The first session, she focused on my heart. It was amazing. The second session, we focused on blocked areas of energy, my throat was closed and my heart was sad about it and the third, we focused on my solar plexus so that I could take back my power. My angels, my legion of angels were with us, including Archangel Raphael the angel of healing. "He works to heal people's minds, spirits, and bodies so they can enjoy peace and good health to the fullest extent of God's will for them." (www.thoughtco.com) . It was amazing and I was able to ask them questions. They told me that they just want me to be happy and experience joy. I was like, OMG, that would be amazing thank you. I want that too. They also told me that they are so excited about my future that it's like I am the kid and they are holding my hand and they are taking me to Disney world for the first time. Soo cute, right? Oh and they also asked that I don't shower and just bask in the golden cocoon for tonight. I was like, "oh no!" Y'all I am a total night shower kinda girl. So I said, "well they are going to laugh at me tonight as I don't shower-I am a recovering germ freak and they totally know this....hahahaha! So I followed their requests and slept so great! I am so grateful from this new beautiful friend and healer in my life. There are no words to express my gratitude adequately.

The next day, I had a few discussions with a family member about how much I have changed and how some people are unsettled by it. This is only natural with transformation. Not everyone is going to like your transformation and that is okay. It doesn't mean that you can't continue to evolve and grow, it means that your self trust must be stronger than the fears and opinions of others. Thank goodness we worked on my solar plexus in my healing session the evening before these discussions. I was calm, and simply told her that I am no longer worried about what other people think. I told her that I have a team of wonderful people around me and also my husband and friends and that I will reach out to them at any time if I feel the need. I also told her that I do not want to hear about any discussions that are happening about me with others from her. I am sure that you have heard the expression by now, other people's opinions are none of your business. We really had a lovely talk and worked it out quite nicely. There are things of course that we have no control over, especially what other people think and say about us and the only thing that I can control is this girl right here. It took me decades to get that memo, but it's finally sinking in. Thank you Angels!

So today before I started typing my unknowing journey, I looked at my husband over our morning coffee in between kids running in and out and around and said, 'I think this is the end of who I have been and the beginning of my new way of living and being." It is the truth y'all. It is a beautiful place to be. This has been 6 years in the making and it's time to give birth. It's time for me to be born. To be the teacher and guide that I was created for. To heal women to heal the world. I can't thank you enough for reading this until the end. I appreciate it so very much that you are a part of my journey and for holding space for me right here. I do ask that if you have a comment, please be sure that it is kind. I am also happy to answer any questions that you might have. These are experiences that are near and very dear to me and are not discussed out of fear of being called crazy. I know that I am not and so does my therapist ;). This was a big deal for me to share this unknowing with you and if you are in the process of unknowing, please share it

with us here.

Take good care of you starting with the emotions that shows up first and then the next and then the next and so on and so on.

Until next time beautiful people,

Angela