Hello beautiful friends!
This has been my longest journey and also my hardest lesson I've had to learn so far. Getting out of my head and into my heart. I have been in and out of my head space for 30 years. And each time I awaken to the fact of spending too much time in my head and in my thoughts, I feel absolutely exhausted.
I can come to you today and say that I may have had one of the biggest breakthroughs of my life yesterday. I was in the grip of anxiety and depression and overwhelm and frustration...I was basically creating my own suffering AGAIN and I was completely exhausted and thought it might be like this forever. It Is The Worst! I get so mad at myself, then I try to love myself, then I go back to being mad, then yesterday I tried asking "what do I want to feel instead of all of these negative life sucking emotions of the moment?" It was love. That is what I wanted to feel. Love and be loved. So I started playing the part. What am I doing, who am I being, what am I saying when I feel love and loved? It worked. I can honestly say that acting in order to generate an emotion was something I had never tried before in the grip of anxiety and depression and so I gave it a shot. I had nothing to lose.
So we decided to go out to the beach for a bit with the kiddos and my Mother-in-Law. It was a gorgeous day and who doesn't love the beach-even if it's January. And y'all anxiety was really weighing me down. I told it that it didn't need to come to the beach. Who wants anxiety sitting next to them in the sand? Not me. But this bout of anxiety was determined y'all. It really wanted me to hear the message. So the whole way to the beach-about 25 minutes, I was sitting with it with everyone in the car. That's when the acting the part kicked in. Instead of getting frustrated with the boys if they started acting out in the car, I just kept it loving and matter of fact. And I sat in that discomfort of doom and frustration that anxiety was coming with me to the beach AGAIN! And I also have a dislike for faking things....there's a limiting belief I just unlocked. Another win!
We arrived and it was absolutely gorgeous. Winter is the time for sand dollars and we found at least a dozen. There were beautiful shells everywhere. The water was aqua and the sand glistened white as sugar. I started walking and shelling. I love shelling. And it came to me. I looked up to That Which Is Greater and took in a deep breath and surrendered. I asked that question of what I wanted to feel and I said love and to be loved. And that's what happened. I acted in a way that generated those emotions. I just loved my boys and husband and Mother-in-Law. I loved being with them and looked at them in a completely different light. I opened up to being loved and it felt good. I loved myself and forgave myself for indulging in the negative emotions of anxiety for weeks (yes I spent a few weeks there). I have never forgiven myself. Ever. I always would question why I wasted so much time and asked what was wrong with me and think that I will always be plagued by this. And I would also fear its dreaded return.
This time seems different. I may have heard the message that my anxiety wants me to hear. It wants me to go deeper into a spiritual journey. It wants me to define spirituality for myself and to feel love, connection, faith, trust and security. I have no idea what this looks like or what practices I will be doing, but I know that it is something that I have only scratched the surface on in the past. I am going into my heart now and letting it guide my way. I will not be perfect at this since my head has been leading for some time, but I am so onto myself now. I am going to appreciate the way that I have done things up to this point and truly open up to living a whole-hearted life experiencing a range of emotions good and bad and loving and being loved the whole time.
Sending you all love and faith now and always and know that I am here if you need anything.
This picture will forever be the picture of the day I finally heard Anxiety's message to me. The day I decided to feel more love and to be loved and to connect with the deeper world around us. I had a picture taken on purpose so that I could look back on this, not with frustration (because I can look back at a ton of pictures when I'm in anxiety or depression) but with love and gratitude that I stayed with myself in the depths this time and discovered what it isI truly want.